mental illness – gamerfreakathon

Well after spending time with my mom yesterday it makes me never want to see her again.

Like I mostly wanted to spend the day with my dad and when I found out my aunt was also coming over I went to there house to see them and everything. And I had a great time talking to my dad and having him actually listen to things I say and believe me about my health problems and that I know whats best for me.

But then my mom came home and made me feel like shit for daring to worry her by almost dying and the only reason I survived was because she was “praying constantly 24/7” for me and I made the mistake of telling her my knees felt really good (when I told my dad this he said it was probably because of the huge anti-inflammatory they gave me at the hospital) and when I told her she launched into this huge thing about how these crutches are hurting me worse and I don’t need them and was practically yelling at me in front of everyone like how dare I be disabled and exist. It’s not like I’m in pain 24/7 and almost dying to spite you or anything.

Oh and she likes to keep telling me about how my life is in shambles and every decision I make is wrong and I’m ruining my life and oh god I’m going to turn out “just like April” yeah because that’s such a bad thing maybe she wouldn’t have been so fucked up if you would’ve left her with Meme and Pepe and not raised her to hate herself and abused her to the place where she has basically zero self worth any more.

She had offered a while ago to let us rent out the top two rooms of the house to us (my sisters room and my old room) and me and Dax were thinking about taking it but I just don’t think I can handle that I just want to be treated like a human being and not some doll that only exists not to embarrass her at family parties.

And now because of everything yesterday I got shoved back into my depressive cycle but I can’t really do anything about it because I usually treat it with caffeine and chocolate and natural mood boosters but I can’t do any of that now because it could kill me and it’s stressing me out so much.

And like I just want to feel better but I just want to die and I want to cut but I know that any little cut I get can mean that I’ll bleed out and on top of that I’m starting to disassociate a little I think I might’ve died on Saturday and I just don’t know what to do it’s all kinda hit me like a wall of bricks and I just don’t want to have to deal with anything any more.